I’m very close


Big defeats
And
small victories

You have hope
you lose hope
and then you die

Walking backwards
towards the future

always looking at the past 
Trying to cling onto a shred 
of a good memory

A bad date
two bags of cocaine
a lake of whiskey

She invited you in her home 
at dawn time telling you 
she sees you as a friend
for the time being

Do you have a boyfriend 
you ask

Yes she says
but it’s complicated 

My life is complicated 
enough you say
coming down from cocaine

A darkness and a loneliness
only you seem to notice

Call me if it becomes simple 
you say
I have enough friends you say
Though you are essentially friendless

I can’t be your friend you say

All the night she rambled 
about meditation and energies
And horoscopes 

And each time 
you antagonized it

You are a pessimist
she said

I’m a realist you said
and kept quiet 
Even though you wanted
to continue and say
you’re so naive and moronic
you talk about my horoscope
and all I do is stare at your lips
trying to be understanding 
but imagining the taste of your saliva

She walks you to the door
morning now, you start to walk alone 
towards your house

On the way 
you whip yourself
mentally

You didn’t say the right words
didn’t nod when you should
Didn’t manipulate when you could 

Wanted to show your true self
a silent Hail Mary attempt
to connect

You punch a wall
and put your hand 
in your jacket pocket
knowing at once your hand
is broken

Ignoring it, walking
dark eyed and depressed
as the pain increases

finally you take your
hand out of your pocket
to examine the damage 

A crooked finger
a bone trying to stick out
of the skin

I can’t drive to the hospital
you think 
so you ride a bicycle
to the ER

spend a good four hours
waiting for a doctor to
see you

Knowing you won’t be able
to work now for at least two
weeks

knowing you won’t return
her phone calls if she calls you

At sea in life 
dumbfounded 
not even pretending anymore
to understand women
or humanity

Walking out of the ER 
with a hand strapping 
hating every reflection of you 

every whisper of a thought 
every cloud and every ray of sunlight 

knowing full well now
that only you can save yourself 

but you being the only one
who won’t.