"That Sinking Feeling"

He died
sitting in his car

an old car
with all he owned
in the backseat and trunk

memories packed in his head
dreams that turned cold

skin washed with alcohol
deep breathing
keeping the tears in

finished figuring
how he could have changed

too worn down to work
not old enough for social security

he often talked 
to others

everyone feeling
the ruins of all

becoming forever.

Tattoo
 
I’ve been thinking about
getting a tattoo
on my skinny hairy forearm
honoring
my dad and brother
both deceased
a leafless tree
some puzzle pieces
a symbol combining their initials
carved into the tree trunk

neither had any tattoos
dad didn’t like them
body is a temple type shit
while he smoked a pack a day

I think about the tattoo
most on Sundays
Sundays are for contemplation
but the tattoo parlor
is closed on Sunday
Monday too
and by Tuesday
Contemplation is over
and my forearm
remains artless

One Former Bus Boy, Two Nurse Practitioners
After Shift Change and a Bar

They arrived around 1 A.M. on
a slow summer night. I remembered him
as one of the all-around good guys who,
actually, did the work at the restaurant that
cured me forever of living the good life,
in the fast lane, dealing with wealthy people
and all their entitled, privileged attitudes
that came with the money.
“How are you? I asked, though it seemed
pretty clear he was doing just fine.
“Couldn’t be better.” He said with one of
those smiles that spoke volumes about where
the rest of his night was headed with two,
still-in-uniform nurses, who had seen it all,
done it all, and didn’t care what anyone
thought about anything.
“Just out for a quick one with my two best girls.”
He didn’t bother asking me how I was.
It was just too obvious that I was putting in time
at this end of the world place, as compared
to where I had been when we had vastly different jobs
in the same place.
He left a nice tip, chugged his beer and
gave a, “catch you later” little wave, heading
out to wherever their bower of bliss was.
I wiped the bar down and thought how I had
nothing to look forward to but last call.

DENOUEMENT

 
Do hippies still smoke joints, then twine
septuagenarian limbs together? Do punks
shoot up in varicose veins, peace spat

out by needles? As Cheetah Chrome says,
“Stay off the shit!” Don’t forget, the Beats
listened to jazz before Bird recorded

with strings. Prior to that, bohemian artists
heard Django Reinhardt; long before middle
class hipsters grew their hair and carried

pictures of Mao, to the vexation of Lennon
and fellow paisley adorned capitalists.
The Stones raked in money and sneered,

turning Elvis’ grin on its head. Don’t get
me started on the kids of today. Good kids.
But cosmic destiny is just your brain

connecting dots to give things meaning.
There’s no master plan. Life chugs along
until it doesn’t.

Job Security Prayer

 
There’s no shame,
she said, in having a job
for more than 2 years.  In fact
some see it as a virtue,
a welcome sign of stability
in an increasingly unstable
world. 

But, then, what about
flexibility, freshness, change?
What about the stagnation
and the rot that sets in when
familiarity breeds apathy
and the status quo becomes . . .
status quo. 

Please god, do not lull me
to sleep against
the soft breast of security.
Please do not let me
be drawn by the allure
of comfortable monotony,
the stale, stationary
sameness that snuffs out
creativity in favor of
averting risk.

Let me, dear lord,
stick out my neck
on the chopping block
of originality, and let me
be inspired by the sound
of the executioner
sharpening his axe.

After Language

 
After language
     discovered me
     I thought, Oh, oh,
I’m in for it now.

After language
     discovered me
     whispering, it said,
you can raise your voice now.

After language
     discovered me
     it said, who said
you could talk now?

After language
     discovered it could
     confuse me like this,
now it will not leave me alone.

December First Mexico City 2023

 
…in the night sirens blare bouncing off
graffiti designed expressions of communist trusts
…in shelters Trotsky tip toed in his wool socks to distract assassins
But the axe is a brutal weapon to catapult a skull into eternity
…while dogs in two defecate on cracked CDMX…sidewalks…little Julietta
…tattooed starlet entices us from across the street, but we are saints sending regretful prayers
…to protect the children in the sinking city.  The air is thin, but they rise from the earthquakes
…with fists and work to sweating exhaustion till the music begins and the mexcal settles the starved
…stomach and a smirk creeps from a wrinkled mouth, alas an escape is stepped into…created from
…the madness in a scarred Mexico City room 

Rip into Rags

 
Now I’m seventy-eight, don’t have to saunter into an office
in a dress shirt and stifling tie, only wear Polos on posh occasions,
can usually be seen in a tee emblazoned with words and images:
“I’m the Crazy Aquarian You Were Warned About.”
A muscled man hoisting a canoe above his head. “Whatever.”
A bare-chested man bungee jumping from a bridge.
“Love, Peace, Orangutan.” A railroad steam engine puffing smoke. 
“I’d Rather Be Writing.” They invite strangers to laugh with me
about the sign of the genius and the lunatic, our affinity to primates, 
my voyage down the Mississippi, diving into a New Zealand river,
hopping boxcars from L.A. to New Orleans for  boozy Mardi Gras, 
the joy of alliteration, the favorite word of many teenage girls.

I wear t-shirts day and night, would find it sacrilege to give even one
to a homeless guy hunkered on a bench cradling a puppy and a pint.
They’re security blankets, vestments, second skins that rub 
my Buddha belly for good luck, tickle the gray thicket on my chest, 
pat my slumping shoulders when I need a hearty attaboy,
remind my biceps of bygone games when I belted home runs. 
However cherished, no tee of mine can avoid its fate: flecked ink, 
torn underarms, faded color, permanent stains from pasta, toothpaste.
So, reminded of the eventual severance of my own body and soul, 
there comes a time when I give my shirt its final cleansing and warming 
in a washer and dryer with shorts, underpants, socks, its unsullied kin.
Then, transforming the purely personal into the nondescript, 
I listen to a lament as I grip my friend and rip it into rags.  

After completing their humble household duties (polishing faucets,
dusting spider webs from corners, wiping up spilled coffee grounds),
the rags are free to slumber in a landfill, serenaded by gulls and ravens.
R.I.P., my resolute companion. Requiescat in pace. Rrrip.

After killing the spider, we spoke


It was a one-sided conversation.
I did all the speaking.  The spider was dead.
& this is what I said, starting the moment before
killing the spider, lifting out a book
from the top of the wall of the loft, I said,
Celine is good for killing spiders.
I leaned out over the wall,
arm outstretched, holding the hard-cover out
as if swinging a bat in an on-deck circle,
or a rock, about to be tossed
at another boy on another side of a remembered hill,
or a cast member in the New Testament, throwing it,
until, like the mob, I whacked.
Dead spider, I said,
I’m going to leave you there,
3 feet over the wall that overlooks downstairs below.
where your family may find you,
& know, just know, that where you stay is a bad place,
perhaps some chemical reaction occurs in your kind,
so that, instead of having to rely on some . . . absent mind,
to tell you, tell you that this place is bad,
when finding your own dead, there,
your body just does your thinking for you,
& it becomes something that you just know – 
in your exoskeleton,
or as we like to say where I am from,
in our bones.
So, I’m going to leave you there,
pasted, like a wanted poster,
hanging, like the wanted, caught,
& I am doing all this on a biological hope.
This is mammal country,
& you don’t pay rent.
I’m sorry.

ENOUGH

 
I eat three eggs a day. How long until
my arteries clog? Can I get away
with it for a few more years? At least
my belly doesn’t obscure my laptop.
I need a wheelbarrow to carry
my stomach around. These Tastykakes
are good East Coast fare, plus a ham
and salami sub. Jade plants sprouted
pink blossoms and overran the patio.
What more could I want?