Hello Beatniks,

I trust you’ve all been well. I just completed the initial installment of the three part “Autobiography Of Me: Viva My Existence!” This will be a three book series covering the periods of my life from 0 – 30, 31- 50, and 51 – as close as death as possible. This first book I shall entitle: “The First Third” taking cue from Neal Cassidy who wrote and published his own book “The First Third” intending to write the other two thirds later in life. But he died before even attempting these further works. Apparently he died of exposure trying to count the number of railroad ties between two cities in Mexico. His last words were supposed to have been something like 450,792.

Of course the esteemed Beatnik Cowboy Press will be publishing these exciting new works. And I’m sure the fact-checkers will be lined up to purchase their copies, for the sake of future reference. I’ve solved the riddle of what came first the chicken or the egg and extrapolated on it. I’ll share later the answer. The new question is what came first the cow or the human? You see when I was in prison in Cambodia there was a fellow of Indian dot decent there and as both fluent English speakers we bonded. He called himself @. @ informed thou he was from a long line of Brahman in India though he was from Australia where his parents were teachers. Anyway he shared the first humans were born of one of the four bovine stomachs. That’s why the cow is sacred in India. I told him about my idea for sacred cow hamburgers and we only got in one fight during our entire time in prison together. The fight occurred when I had a mid-afternoon nightmare during nap time. I awoke with the intention of attacking the skinny, poorly uniformed, unarmed guards. While advancing on the guard brethren I had the sense to cry out to @ attack me! And he did. We had a slug fest and apparently he beat me out of my ‘fight the screws intention’. I thanked him and started engaging him concerning the scientific fallacy of the different human ‘races’ (and ethnicities) and which breed of cow birthed the Chinese? In the end he cryptically said ‘some men smoke, but Fu Manchu’. I countered with; ‘It’s a great day for the race!’ He said what race? And I had to tell him, ‘the human race!!!’ Then I suggested to my cow parent brother, ‘why don’t dogs dance?’ Why, they have two left feet I intoned! Then I grew grave, extremely concerned and a big throbbing vein showed bulging down my forehead. I leaned in and asked conspiratorially, what’s ‘The Meaning of Life?’ He became distant contemplative, his eyes rolled back in his head and he went into immediate trance. Finally, after much quaking and third party channeled gibberish from a dead virgin ninety year old Thai king I had to break it to him. “Hey man relax’ I said, ‘it’s a movie by Monty Python. We embarked then and there on a lighthearted discussion of timelessness.

We didn’t finish the discussion. That’s the way prison bullshitting goes. Time ran out during our mutual contemplation of timelessness. Talk about your non-irony. I was sprung, they let me go. All baseless charges dropped. I said, ‘Sorry’. @ got out soon after me and when he came by my home (I was living at the hotel I ran at the time, in Siem Reap he said he wouldn’t tell the others where I was.

But gosh, enough about me. Though my non-totally off the wall poems keep getting rejected, I know yours won’t. Especially here. So past them in or attach and send ’em in, viruses, anthrax spores and all. And keep on laugh smiling, hopefully moronically. Bye.

Relentlessly,

Randall One Editor 9/14/2017