Heard The Call

Yeah, I done heard the call
And got ordained on-line.
I ain’t whatcha would call religious,
In fact, heathen, infidel, and pagan
Might be more descriptive.
But to keep the Jesus people
Off my back, I got myself ordained
And got the ordination certificate
Hangin’ on my wall. Looks good
In its beautiful Dollar Store frame.
Quite unique. Impresses my friends.
Confounds the Mormon boys.
Sanctifies the orgies.
Yes sir, I’m an ordained minister
Of a very select organization.
Shoot, I bet Billy Graham didn’t
Even have an ordination certificate
From the Church of Beer.

Sweet Lust In The Saloon

He first spied his true love
On the bar room floor.
Jell-O shots and flaming hookers
Had taken their toll.
She had a particular radiance
With the pizza-like vomit
Crusting in her two-tone hair.
She looked up at him and smiled.
Then, adjusted her upper plate,
And looked up and smiled again.
It was pure passion.
He was the tallest man
She had ever seen…
From that perspective.
She wrapped her arms
Around his leg trying
To climb to her feet.
JoJo, ever the gentleman,
Unzipped his fly and presented
A handle to aid her endeavor.