Judge Santiago Burden

Get Forked


"Johnny wake up man. I think you need to take me to the hospital. Come on, wake up!"
" What ? What's going on Bigotes? You have Asthma attack? Where is your bomba?"
He sits up in bed and turns on the lamp on the nightstand.
"No Johnny, that crazy bitch stabbed me in the back. I can't tell if I'm bleeding or how deep the knife is stuck in . Whatever you do don't pull it out, I'll bleed to death before we get to the hospital.
" Okay okay tranquilo carnal let me take a look."
 " Johnny I'm serious don't fuck around."
I turn my back to him so he can get a closer look. 
"Santiago I don't think it is a knife in your back. I think maybe it is a fork she stab you with. What did you do to make her to stab you with a fork?"
"A fork are you sure? Take another look. Look closer. Johnny turn on the other light."
He finds the switch for the ceiling light to get a better idea of the wound's severity.
"Yes Bigotes it is a fork not a knife. You should have me pull it out. I don't know if it is in very deep."
"Wait, let me think about it for a minute."
"Santi, tell me why she stab you?"
"She wanted more cocaine and more cocaine and more cocaine. She was acting all strange and sketchy. I told her there wasn't  anymore, she got pissed off, started screaming at me, calling me a liar. I got up out of the bed, started putting on my clothes to get away from her, then I felt her stab me.  She picked up her shit and ran out the door. Where'd you find that Psycho-bitch man?"
"She is my cousin from Medellin."
"What the hell. Of course another crazy person from your family. I should've figured as much. Are all your relatives mentally ill? I thought you were calling her prima(cousin) as a nickname. Like I joke and  call  prostitutes  prima."
"I know I am sorry. Everyone in my family is crazy with mental problems. I'm so lucky I have nothing wrong with me."
"Are you serious? You've gotta be joking.You're the craziest, Psycho-colombiano, Mentally unstable individual I've ever been associated with."
"Bigotes why you say such mean things to me? I sometimes get crazy in a party way or when I get drunk and stuff but that's all. Maybe you can get somebody else to take the fork out. You don't want some  crazy person doing it."
"Sorry Rico, I don't mean anything by it. You know I love you despite  your qwerks. I try to apologize. Okay let's get the fucking fork out of my back and see what kind of damage we're dealing with here."
"There is not a lot of blood, Bigotes. But she sure pushed it deep. I didn't know a fork could be a dangerous weapon. Okay you are ready?"
"No, I'm not ready. But go ahead and do it anyway." 
"Wait, I think maybe I should have a towel in case maybe you start  bleeding a lot. Then we need to have the cut circlesized with alcohol for no infection. Oh no, I hope you will not need switches the hospital is very far away Bigotes."
I begin laughing from Johnny mispronouncing words and giving the incident an entirely different aspect. He's acting so dramatically I can't help but find it amusing. I don't remember when I've seen him so serious as though he is a Doctor giving me a prognosis. 
"Why you laughing Bigotes? Because you don't want to cry?"
"No Johnny, I was laughing at the words you used in English. I'm very proud of you J.R. you have come a long way with learning English, but sometimes you say a word incorrectly or mispronounce a word and it ends up being humorous. I'm not making fun of you my friend, it's just funny.
"So what you think I'm funny? Funny like what, like a clown? I what, I make you laugh? How am I funny?"
"Now that's hilarious Johnny! You remembered that from "Good Fellas." You do it better than Joe Pesci, very good."
I'm laughing hysterically,and I start applauding his performance but it causes the fork to move around and I instantly become uncomfortable .
"I always want to do that. I'm happy you laugh. Tell me what words I say wrong when I get back with a towel and some alcohol. I think we can use Tequila. Is there still some Patron left?"
"Yes it's in the freezer. Good thinking Johnny."
He returns drinking from the bottle of Tequila. 
"Now we are ready, you think? Yes?"
"Let's do it!"

The fork was stuck in my left lower shoulder in the ancestis, the spot on your back that you're unable to reach to scratch. I still had my shirt on with the fork having been stuck through it. Slowly I took off the shirt so Johnny had quick access, it just hung there on the shaft.
"Bigotes I don't know if I can do it." 
"For Christ's sake J.R. just pull the God Damn fork out. Do it! It won't hurt. In fact, give me the bottle of Tequila. I need a drink."
"Maybe you should drink more to not feel pain."
Good idea again buddy. You're really showing your smarts. Ooh, you know what, I have some  Vicodin in my  jacket. Can you grab it for me please?"
Johnny returns with my jacket in hand sporting a huge grin. 
"Look what you have in the pocket. Here are the pills, look what else you're hiding, a small vial filled with Cocaine and two puros that we forget to smoke at the beach. Now take your medicine and when you feel no pain, we will take out the fork." 
It was 3:45 in the morning and it's not like I had to go to work or anything. Plus I'd been wounded in action and could lounge around all day. I think it's Saturday anyway and I don't have any appointments on my calendar, so here we go.
I swallowed a couple Vicodin, snorted a cap full of Cocaine, then Johnny passed me the bottle of Tequila. I took a long swig.
". Now let me explain why I was laughing earlier. I think you meant to say sterilize but you said circlesize which sounds similar to the word circumcised which has a totally different meaning.  Circumcise is when a doctor cuts the extra skin off the penis of a baby boy."
"Why they do such a thing?"
"It was started by the ancient Egyptians then practiced by the Jewish people and on and on.
I'm not going to get into the reasons."
"So you have circhimsize? I see your pene is different from mine. I am no circhimsize I still have the skin."
"Ya I know Rico, I don't want to be talking about our Dicks, okay?" I quickly changed the subject. 
"Stitches are what the doctor sews you up with when you have a large cut. I think you said switches. You understand?"
Johnny lights a joint and passes it over to me.
"I have a question. Why you always call Marijuana Trisumman? Why does it have that name?"
Again I start laughing.
"Hey, now I am going to get very angry, you laugh at me more."
"Sorry Rico, I'm saying, "try some man" and you put all three words together. Guess I say it too fast and it sounds like one word."
Johnny now finds the humor in what I'm saying and begins chuckling.
We sat there talking and joking with Johnny doing all sorts of imitations now that I had been amused by the Joe Pesci he did.
They weren't very funny but I laughed anyway I think because I was a little drunk, Vicodin high, coked up and stoned. Then we were startled by banging on the front door. I looked at the clock and it was 5:20 and I still had the fork in my back, although feeling no pain.
" Who the hell do you think that could be?" I whisper. "You think that bitch called the police?"
"I don't know but I will go to the door and see. Okay? Just relax, I will take care of it."
"Thanks Johnny."
He staggers to the front door and I take cover around the corner of the front room within hearing distance.
" Quien es acá?" ( Who's here?) Johnny asks.
I don't understand why he just doesn't look out the window on the side. I hear a woman's voice but not well enough to know what she's saying.
" Esperame uno segundo." ( Wait a second.) I hear him answer.
He walks back in the bedroom shaking his head and chuckling.
"Bigotes it is my cousin again. She has no money for Taxi or bus and wants to say she is sorry to you."
"What do you think? Does she seem normal to you, not all weird?"
"I'm not sure. You make the call."
"Okay let her in but don't let her come near me."
He goes to the door swinging it open but stepping back out the way. She struts in and walks straight toward me.
"Hey Rico, you better get over here."
"Don't worry Santiago, I'm not going to do anything to you. I want to say I'm sorry and to make it up to you. I didn't hurt you real bad, did I?" 
"You stabbed me in the back with a fucking fork! Here, take a look."
I turn my back to her,  so she can see her handy work.
Then I feel her hand grab the fork and with a swift motion she pulls it out.
"I'm so sorry baby let me make it up to you."
She drops her dress on the living room floor, grabs my hand and leads me into my bedroom.
"Make sure she has no scissors in her purse. She might try to circumlize you." Johnny yells.
"Thanks for watching out for me Johnny." 
"So you have some more cocaine?"  She inquires.

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