Jim's Tale

It didn't seem right Jim sashaying about
With a coon tail hangin' out his ass and
It didn't seem right he had the seat of
His britches all ripped out to where you
Could see the eyeball tattooed on each
Cheek of his ass so he'd be able to see
Anyone sneakin' up on his behind from
Behind...just a prison thing.  Lord knows
There had to be quite a tale with the tail.

Now see, Jim's a wild one.  He tells it had
To do with a woman he met near Amarillo
Knawin' on an armadillo in the north part
Of Texas.  And ya know, ya gotta be careful
With those Texas women.  They can be just
Sweet as sugar and still kick your ass like a
Rough tough wrangler or one of those Tex
Rangers what don't take no shit or Shinola
And conversation is guaranteed to be one
Sided with a lot of 'Yes, sir" and "No, sir"
Before that pistol slams upside your head.

Jim says he got liquored up on firewater on
A trail ride along the Alamito and fell out
With some locals who didn't take kindly to
His words about their gals, "Y'all's fat girls
Don't stink half as bad as I thought they
Would."  Simple words from a simple mind.

But the kicker was when granny, in a violent
Near-death hacking spell, coughed out her
Upper choppers and Jim, being thoughtful,
While thoughtlessly scratching his privates,
Says to her, "Ma'am, I think you'd like to put
this in your mouth."

Enough said, Jim's kind words were taken
The wrong way so he got the beating and
Embarrassment of his (already) miserable
Life.  Granny, herself, shoved that coon into
Place and Jim made directly for home.  His
Search now is for both a veterinarian and
An MD.  Jim's not sure how well that coon
Is doin' up his butt.